There used to be a time when I thought I knew what I wanted to do. I thought I had everything planned out, and no matter what anyone told me, I was going to follow through with it, be successful and not have to worry anymore. Looking back, this hasn't gone quite as I had planned. I am going to apologize in advance for the rambling and lack of a sense of direction when it comes to this post -- I'm writing whatever comes into my mind at that exact moment.
I started this blog in 2007, with the full intentions of making updates to it on a daily, if not weekly basis. Unfortunately, that did not happen. Here I am, nearly 5 years later, wondering why I never even made an attempt to put my thoughts out there.
Maybe it's because I knew, deep down inside, that I wasn't going to have anyone give me feedback. Maybe it's the same thing that caused me to stop posting to livejournal, or the same thing that made me stop building custom layouts. Whatever the case, I just stopped. Life took over, and, at least for a moment, I started discovering who I am.
I did eventually make the move from Columbia to Modesto. I lived with the love of my life for 3 years before he broke my heart and left me. We have many fond memories of San Francisco, Yosemite National Park, the Santa Cruz boardwalk, and the Sacramento Zoo. I tried to make California work, but in the end the South came-a-calling. I left my job in California, packed my things, and moved back east in the late winter of 2011 -- and I haven't looked back. However, if given the opportunity, I would most definitely return.
Now, I'm not saying I'm a coward. Moving to California was the best thing I had ever done for myself. It gave me a sense of pride, and I felt even more empowered than I had before. After all, none of my family ever really traveled that far west, and the only time my sister came remotely close was when she visited her fiance's family in Washington State. I have many friends and adopted family in California, and my heart aches that I am unable to visit them on a regular basis. Right now, life has chosen to take me in yet another direction, one where I can only hope to lead a somewhat normal life, given that I've made so many poor choices in the past. Just on a side note -- never buy a house for a man.
Coming home was the hardest thing I could ever do. I was so full of pride and self-assurance that I could hold my own that I was reluctant to ask my family for help when I needed it the most. I cried the day I had to admit that I needed my father's help to get back on my feet. I'd been living on my own for 10 years and I didn't like the fact that I would be living in a place that I couldn't call my own. I hated the fact that I would be living in a place where I was going to be constantly reminded of the fact that I'm not like other people, that I should get out of the house more, and that I should have my computer surgically removed from my hands. But I've come to terms with it. Almost a year into living at home again and being a "rebound", which is a term that has been bouncing around lately, regarding adults who come back into the home after being on their own for a while, I've come to understand that my family does care for me (in a way) and that they understand that I am now an adult -- not some young kid to be coddled and prodded towards a goal. My car broke down shortly after I moved in -- prognosis: needs an engine. I got a dealer-financed used car instead.
I have 6 months to get my own place. I have a job that I'd like to enjoy, but it's a temp position. I'm trying to transition to full time work, but the economy is tough. Being a woman in a technology field is also somewhat of a daunting task, considering I lack the formal education to prove that I do, in fact, know what I am doing. I overheard the HR representative on more than one occasion this week, calling people to interview for the position I currently temp for, which has me a bit on edge. I hope I get this position... and I hope that I can leave this house soon. The stepmother demands it.
I'd like to say that I'm in love with someone. I am, actually. I'd like to say that he loves me, too. I think he does, at least, and he says he does, but I don't see much action regarding whether he does or not. He's hard to read. We turn each other on, yes, but physical attraction doesn't trump mental attraction. Part of me hopes that I'm not forcing him into something he doesn't want to be in. I want to help him find himself -- he's been lost in a sea of family drama for far too long, and I think that my presence is a refreshing change for him (or at least I hope it is.) Like the last one, I've known him since I was 13. Like the last one, he's a nerd. Like the last one, he likes to keep to himself. Let's hope he doesn't leave me like the last one. I try to do everything I can for him. I noticed that I was spending too much money on minutes for my phone, so I bought him a prepaid phone that I can call him on with no worries about going over my minutes. It also gives us privacy, so that I'm not tying up their house phone and we can talk about whatever we want without fear of being spied upon. I can also choose not to renew the minutes if things go south. I want to be very careful with this one, and not rush into anything. November will be a one-year mark for us, and being together for that long while living apart can be hard. With B.S., I was with him for less than that before I moved to California for him.
Why do I feel the need to be with someone anyway? I've never really thought of myself as co-dependent, as someone who would need to rely on someone for emotional support. But, here I am, trying to have a relationship with someone, knowing all too well that if he left me, I would be broken again. If he left me, I don't think I would ever date again, to be honest. When I was younger, I thought that I would be married and have children by the time I was 25. Boy, was I wrong. Here I am, almost 30, and that biological clock is just ticking away... If it's going to happen, it needs to happen soon, or not at all. Children. I think I want one. Just one. If I can't have it myself, I'll adopt. My kid brother and my little sister already have kids, three between the two of them. Out of the three of us, I'm the oldest, and still without any type of stable family life, save my father. It's kind of depressing, to be completely honest. I know there are people out there who love large women. I've dated a few. Unfortunately, finding someone who loves you for you and not how good you are in bed is the hardest thing that anyone can do, regardless of your size.
I paid off the car this month. 60k left in debts to pay and so little money to pay them with. Damn you, student loans, and damn you, for-profit schools, for your 25%/year tuition increases. Damn me for not knowing better. Damn me for not being able to write music anymore -- I've had writer's block for 10 years.
Right now, I don't know the direction this blog will take. I don't know if I'll even be writing this blog a month from now. What I do know, is that I'm just a little bit closer to knowing who I am.
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